To my girls

January, 2011

Song of the blackbird

my heart is just the song of the blackbird
waiting for you to arrive
but it rains and rains and rains
and the Spring too is waiting
if we finally would meet
when the light is disappearing at this evening

my heart is just the song of the blackbird
hoping to be heard in the distance
hoping that my wish and trust and longing
could arrive to you and nothing more has to be said
because you would feel that this song
is Kai’s heart

Ida

she was my beauty
she will be always in my eyes as she was on my hand
and i promise her that
i will always think of the two children we made
two as you promised to me
ida and the one who i feel now
i feel this now, it is very faint, as the secret, this child
it don’t manifest herself so strong and full of wish to be as did ida
but it is with me, and i want her or him
i want this child to be the smile
the smile only
i know i have now to be strong and wait
let her grow in the knowing that it is safe to come
that she is not the replacement of ida
but the wish of its own, the big smile
and in her, in him, is all my confidence of love into you
in her are the willow kittens from the Groane
and the emerald allium of the secret lakes
there is the transparent sea ice under our feet
there is the frozen river that flow beneath consciousness
it is the child of water
the child of sea at night
i know that we love her because she is full of us
and we love her because of her smile
and because she came to us and wants to be

She as 11 weeks embryo (May 31st, 2011)

As they play in dreams

only in the dreams
our children will play together
on the yard of old house
as was my home in Tartu
and we are sitting by the wall
warm from the sun and spring
only in dreams
but today this dream was in your guitar
and it came out
and i knew exactly how they played

Will she be?

She as 12 weeks embryo (2nd and 7th of june, 2011)

Mae

At the como lake
My little Mae was born
Inside this wild fawn
And she moved her ears
Listening our footsteps in the twigs
And run after her mother
And i run after her
Because i recognized her spirit
It seems that something of me
Stayed living in that desolated house on the slope
Where the windows have the heart-shapes to see the world
There i stayed waiting for her
And dreaming

Our Daughter as 16 weeks embryo (29th june 2011)

Our Daughter at 20 weeks

Lucia Mae has born!

Let me stay and dream of
The Mud puddle that remembers
Our reflections
From the day that became the last and first
As the Maia calendar had predicted
Because the puddle revives your dark figure and her little splashing feet
and my bare toes in summer shoes in a perfect september night
with the persistence as
only the ocean of Solaris might do for me and for you

Alone as i was out there Waiting
I wandered so far and wild
That meanwhile i became homeless
Without my knowing
Your mooneyed Cat
Let the door open to breathe the summer and love
And my scent was blown away
From your head
And let me lost somewhere
To the inbetweenland
Hands heavy of our weary sleeping Child
But without a place
Where your dreams
Would want to come after me
To take us home again

when the future arrives
roll yourself in the snow, my beauty
so that the memories will attach to your skin
the snowmanpatterns
they say that future can no more be
because the speed of presence is expanding
maybe, my child, one day we can dream only
towards the past
but i fear, my love, that i may capture you
into the time that was
the time in which you are the same alien as i am now

The Snow falls and
I have to push hard so that
The red baby carriage
Could move
With my three boys in it
All of my own and
The Snow falls and
I have to carry
My blackhaired baby girl
On my arms
All of my own and
The Snow falls and
I keep walking
And i cannot hold
all of them in my arms
And my boys
Must take her
And carry one after another
Instead of me
In this Snow that falls

2013

kes on meie kõrval

vaatavad meist läbi

nagu oleks häbi

olla kahekesi üksi

8.01

blue mitten was lost last night

but i had a hope that we might

be lucky today in the morning light

and find what must be found

new snow had unbinded what bound

and we could pass by and around

of memories where to fall

and there was nothing but all

to find where your mitten could fall

23.01

öö ootab mu und, et näeksin

su pehmete just paid

mu kaela paneksid käed siis

ja naeraksid mulle vaid

su siidised jalatallad

mu jalust roniksid üles

niikaua kui päev su äratab

minu unisest sülest

2.02.2013

kolm musträstast talvepuu okstel

pungi puhuvad ellu

nokad viledest härmas

kui sa nüüd oled kärmas

enne su päevaund

me püüda jõuame veidi

laterna kuldset lund

 

14.02.2013

In my dreams we burn the apple branches that we cut together
And plant the sweet summerapple tree for tete
Because there are all these summers to come
Where we sit together and look
How the Swan stars fly in night sky
And we walk in the long grass
When the Evening is falling
She is sitting on your shoulders
And you look at me and smile
Because you see me laughing
As i pick all the summer flowers
To make the chain for her nightblack hair
27.02

Luha tänava jäässe

räästast on tilkunud praod

ahmides veerennist lisa

rõõmus ojake kaob

Päike Saturni tänavast

sukeldub maailma taha

roosad pilveinglid hüppavad

Komeedi sabale maha

Plärtsivad jalgadega

ukse all sulavees

kuni viimaks ei kärsi

ongi kõhuli sees

***

20.03

Kevad vallatu, pilve kukil
Pühib sinise taevas valla
naabrite punaselt katuselt ulakas
Kihutab aina pepuli alla
Põsk nii õhetav, tuulekare
Kisub käpikuid ära käest
kraaksub kaasa, mängib varest
pole veel väsinud lumest ja jääst.
26.03
You had today the voice of our love
And i could be your little girl
And dream that we are
forever flying within this moment
When fall the shining star
And became our child
And as this moment
we will be in the universe
All together every day
And we cannot be deleted
But reflected again and again
In everything that matters
27.04

Uue Maailma majade taga on ühine sisehoov

naabrite aeda, et minna saaks lapsed, kellel on koos olla soov

võibolla vanad ka üheskoos päikse käes istuda tahaks

kodukleidis ja vanades sussides ilma, et pandaks pahaks

minu kõrval sa istuda võiksid selg vastu puuriida seina

Mae jookseks paljajalu õuel, kus kummelit, ristikheina

tema hüüaks siis sulle – papa sa vaata nüüd mind

kusagil mujal olla ei tahakski minu hing

5.05

all the hill is full of flowers

but the nettle burnt your hand

it must be the witches powers

envying you from other lands

31.07

Jõemaa on võimsam kui oleme
Ja voolab sootides endistviisi
Keset luhaheina kui paljajalu tuleme
Vesirooside kääru
Et tagasi lapsepõlve ujuda
Kahekesi, su käed mu kaelas

20.08

Nüüd õnn sa magad mu kõrval
Käed üle pea
On nii hea
Ja kui sa öösel ei maga
Vaid hüüad mind
Armastan sind

***

Ma ei tea miks sa nutad
Ja enam ma polegi ainus
Kes oskab su nutu ajada ära
Sa tahad minna ära
Ja jääda minuga siia
Kus lõhnab merest ja niidust
Ja mesilase sumina eest
Poed mu sülle pakku

***

Kuu puie oksade vangis
Kutsub mind tõusma taeva
Kust meie lapsuke langes
Tähesabases laevas.

Su juurde ma tahaksin lennata
Akende punases peeglis
Sest ainult seal võime emmata
Ilma, et kehtiksid reeglid

Kusagil seal on see hetk
Mis oli meile nii kallis
Me kaugenev täheretk
Universumi hallis

***

Üks musträstas laulab aias
Kell tiksub külmkapil õhtut
Laps magab, ta hingamist kuulen
Ja eemal on rongide hääl
Ma mõtlen, et jalgratastega
Me võiksime sõita kolmekesi
Sel õhtul kui meile jääd
Ja enne kui väike uinub
Kolmekesi me käsikäes kõnniks
Mööda vihmamärga õue
Et selle õhtu sa võiksid peita
Koduteel endale põue

***

Käed su ümber ma püüan meenutada
Kuidas öelda sulle, et sa oled mulle kallis, armsake, tibuke
Nii nagu sa ise tahaksid et ma ütleks
Nunnuke sa tahad olla mu nunnuke
Ronida sülle ja et ma sind musitaks
Lõpuks sa uinud ja ma ei suuda meenutada su võlusõna, mu nunnuke
Aga siis köögis tähti lugedes
Korraga ma tean, sa oled mu nunnuke.

Kõige enam mu kallis

ma kardan, et ei saa olla sinuga

kuni sa kasvad suureks

maeke

 

Saarekene on õitsele tõusnud
Me linnupesa ta okstes
Tuulte käes tõuseb ja vajub
Tõttab õhtule vastu
Kuuke kummardab ülalt
Kodu katuseks õheda sirbi
Ei kao ma siit kusagile mu kiluke
Kuniks on ööd teineteise kõrval
Me kardame öökulle koos

2016.01

su margi juukseid kammin taeva juusteks lahti
all aedades haukumas talveohtu koerad
nii vaine on et kuulen
kuidas naabri sormed unistavad klaveril
ja juba sa magadki mu juttudest kootud unes


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